Traveling again

After two weekends in Tuscaloosa, it's time to start traveling again. And I can't wait; I tried working on papers this past weekend and really missed hanging out with people, anybody -- in trying to get a bit ahead so I can go different places, I got bored with the process of writing papers, reading articles, trying to write about not-so-exciting things. But, alas, this evening begins my escape from academia for a bit. I'm headed home tonight and going with Luke to Memphis tomorrow. My beloved San Antonio Spurs are playing the Grizzlies tomorrow night and Luke, Anna, Craig, and I are going to spend Halloween Night cheering on the Spurs -- well, Anna and I will be cheering for them; I'm not sure where Luke and Craig's loyalties are. But it should be fun: all-you-can-eat nuggets at Chik-Fil-A, an NBA game, and cheesecake at The Cheesecake Corner afterwards...doesn't get much better than that.

Untl Friday, I guess. I'll drive back to Tuscaloosa for my 2:00 class on Thursday and then fly out to Colorado Friday morning. I'm going to hang out with a friend of mine and go the Air Force/Army football game that Saturday. Should be fun to be out in Colorado this time of year. And I'll get to see the Nowells, too, so that will be a nice treat as well.

I'll get back to T-town on Monday and jump back into reading, writing, and classes. But, after two classes today, I'll have a bit of a reprieve for a few days. Can't wait :)

Who's on first?

Probably the greatest piece of writing, comedy, and performance. If it gets better than this, I don't know. Third base!

Knowledge vs. Trust

And so it goes that the very thing I know is going to drive me crazy is what I'm presented with (tested with, one might say) to handle and learn from. I've been thinking recently about pairing knowledge and trust in an oppositional way: knowledge vs. trust. Maybe they shouldn't be pitted as such, but it seems to make a bit of sense to me right now. I think I've been (and am) a knowledge-dominant person most of my life: I love trivia; I love knowing things about people, circumstances, emotions; I enjoy knowing where I stand, whether it's in the eyes of others, my place in a class, or in line with what God's doing in me (not that that one is an easy one to figure out); I like knowing because it gives me a false sense of control, though I don't always recognize the fraud of that sense.

Trust, on the other hand, doesn't really allow knowledge to have a place. Trust isn't complete blindness to whatever the situation, subject matter, or person, but it's much more intangible. I trust and I have faith; at the same time, I like to bolster both with facts and as much certainty as possible. But there are times that's not possible; actually, more often than not that's the case, but the illusion of certainty/facts are present. I'm walking through the field of trust right now, but still searching for a path of facts to possibly steady the uncertainty, knowing that I've got to release that desire and keep walking.

I don't think these two things are mutually exclusive in any way, but I've noticed that I'm prone to lean more towards knowledge than trust, which bothers me because that's not who I'm called to be. I want to live from a heart of trust and dependence; I find I often try to position myself to only go forward, though, when I feel like I've got some certainty because I don't want to be wrong. So there's a battle of wanting and longing to trust beyond myself raging against wanting to do what I can to protect myself. I realize it's a fight against me -- that to protect myself I must release and allow God to do that.

So, of course, yesterday was filled with opportunities to practice. I don't know if you'd say I failed or not, but I didn't have much fun in the middle of it -- because I couldn't grasp anything tangible and had to trust what I couldn't see and didn't know. And as God always does, he took care of whatever doubts or unknowns I battled in the evening. I'm sure he was smiling and shaking his head, thinking, "Just trust me, ok? I know what I'm doing and it's so much grander and beautiful than you can imagine. I got you, ok? I got you."

One midterm down, one to go. Today's been more busy than most for me, but it's been good. I feel pretty good about the midterm I took for my Structure of English class. I've learned so much about the grammar of the language I speak. I'm looking at the sentence I just typed and thinking about auxiliary verbs, adverbials, adjectivals, and if any objective complements are there. Sheesh, I know. But I'm getting a whole new glimpse of what it's like to learn English.

I've got fall break at the end of this week and I'm excited about getting to visit a few places. I'm going to spend a bit of time in Florence and Nashville; hopefully the midterm on Monday won't distract too much from enjoying this respite.

As far as other things going on with me, I'm finding things to be quite peaceful -- somewhat confusing, but filled with peace. I find I'm being very thankful and prayerful with each day and I'm glad to be at that place...especially compared to my emotional and mental state earlier in the semester. It's a joy to see, recognize, and experience the obvious presence of God. I know it doesn't always seem or feel obvious, which makes times like this that much more special and memorable.

Without reservation

I should be writing a paper right now, but haven't yet found the motivation. It is due tomorrow, but I've also got time in the morning and a bit in the afternoon if I need it, so I'm staring at blogger trying to figure out what I'd like to write about instead of the corpus research on global warming, greenhouse effect, and climate. At least I'm being successful in avoidance...

The past week and a half has been incredibly cool. I've been walking through God's faithfulness; it seems like it's been splashing all around me. Bursts of joy and excitement have been found in unexpected places and circumstances; peace has settled in, too. And as this has been occurring, I've been humbled by it, reminded of the desperation that God fills. Pastor Bill talked tonight about the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and the story he told Simon about the two people who had their debts forgiven. What I walked away with was that I'm the one in the story who's been forgiven such a great debt; I dare not believe that my debt is managable; it's not small or relative. It's from this perspective, and thus, this heart that I can be so awestruck by the extravagance of God's love and grace. And Jesus is so right when he talks about his burden being light: we are called to trust God with this extravagance -- it's nothing of our doing. We continue to step into it day after day, constantlly amazed that still provides, he still works, he still showers us with his presence. He wraps us up in his story, picking us up (many times by complete surprise) and lavishing us with goodness, fully undeserved, exquisitely experienced. This is who he is: a God of wonder, surprise, mystery, joy, and unexpectedness. And yet I'm still learning to trust his holiness, to rely on his strength, to be swept up by his goodness; but my learning curve doesn't keep him from pursuit. He continues and seeks and douses us with love.

And it makes me want to dance like this kid from the Cincinnati baseball game I went to this past weekend. Luke, Dad, and I really enjoyed the entertainment provided by him, but there's something really cool about dancing like nobody's watching (when, in fact, someone is actually recording) -- to be fully caught up in God, I think, can be similar to this. Yes, it's hilarious. But it also speaks to something I'm pursuing: unashamedness -- standing, being, living without reservation of who I am.